This Sunday, several friends and I are renting some pontoon boats and will be spending a day on the water crushing beers and avoiding alligators. I mention the alligators since people know them and how dangerous they are. What most people don’t know is that there are plenty of other things in the water that can kill you, and I’m not just talking about the snakes, river monsters, and other drunken boaters.
I am talking about parasites.
Specifically, the amoeba Naegleria fowleri. Any time the opening line of an article contains the phrase “also known as “the brain-eating amoeba,” you know you’re in for a treat.
This playful little guy lives in the silt at the bottom of lakes and rivers and can occasionally get kicked up towards the surface, where he then attempts to move into your nasal cavity before moving up Jeffersons-style to your brain. Once there he proceeds to treat your cerebrum like an Old Country Buffet. Then you die like 10 days later, or something I-don’t-know because I had to stop reading the article. (Seeing as how it moves from your nose to your brain before destroying your brain and ultimately killing you, wouldn’t “Cocaine Amoeba” be a better nickname? I’ll run this past the guys in marketing. Also, I think I just found the name for my fantasy football team).
Anyways, since you can’t shoot the damn things (The standard Floridian protection method), the only way to prevent infection is to stay out of the water altogether. However, since this will be a boat trip involving beer, idiots who drink beer, and a shitload of sunshine (Forecast: 94 degrees). It is a safe bet to assume that people will be in the water. I will provide an update assuming I have not been infected by a microscopic invader who can control my brain and has decided that typing is no longer in the agenda. YES MY LORD.