Slow Day Friday

Since nothing particular is catching my attention today (at least not yet), I thought it might be good to just take a cruise around this fine state and find some of the stranger/more obnoxious stories developing.

Let’s start things off with this item (which has made list only because of the extreme journalism skills being employed in the headline): Rocket Launch at Cape Canaveral Could Ignite Florida’s Commercial Space Industry.  Did you see what they did there?  If not, go back and read it again.  It was so clever that you may have missed it.  Anyways, since the US government has apparently decided to just concede the moon to the Chinese by cutting funding for NASA, people on the Space Coast (Yes, that’s what it’s called here.  With straight faces) have been freaking out.

However, it is looking like the private space industry could really take off (See?  I can do it too) and provide employment for the thousands of engineers and contractors who have been employed by NASA and other entities for the last forty years.  Plus, since these are private companies, we can finally get away from all of the safety “regulations” that were holding us back.  Flying cars, here we come!

And now from the “No-Shit-Sherlock” file: FLDOE Changes FCAT Scale After Poor Scores.  To summarize, the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test (or FCAT) is the standardized tests that all Florida students must take (and pass) to proceed to the next grade level.  For the past few years, people have been complaining that the tests were too easy.  This led to the state changing the grading criteria, which in turn resulted in a decrease of the number of students that passed this year.

To be exact, results show only 27% of fourth graders received a passing score of 4 or better, compared to 81% last year.  And now, of course, everyone is freaking out about the whole thing, as if no one realized that making the test harder would result in fewer kids passing.  It’s like the blind leading the blind here sometimes.  Anyways, they are now revising the grading scale AGAIN and will apply a special one-year exception to get the numbers up.  These kids are getting a head start here; I don’t think I learned about statistical manipulation until junior year of college.

By the way, is it time to leave ALL the kids behind yet?

From the same file, but on a national scale: Postal Service To Begin Closing Plants This Summer.  After posting somewhere around 20 consecutive quarters in the RED, SOMEONE finally has realized that the postal system might not be the most relevant/efficient system anymore.  That’s probably due to the fact that NO ONE MAILS SHIT ANYMORE.  This is because going to be post office is a pain in the neck and postage rates are plain larceny.  I bought a book of stamps a few years ago and I just now paid it off.  Oh, also the Internet may be contributing to this.  But I think that’s just a fad.  As soon as the commercial space industry takes flight (layup joke), we’ll probably all be teleporting our fan mail to the Chinese moonbase.

As a side note, this post is so technologically advanced that your primitive human spellcheck does not recognize the words “teleporting” or “moonbase.”  Pitiful humans.

Speaking of our top-notch Postal Squad: Ex-Postal Worker Says She’s Too Injured to Work, Discovered Running Boston Marathon.  Read the article, it’s basically the script for Rookie of the Year 2: Special Delivery.

This one is just sad, but it goes back to my previous post about people running churches out of houses.  FBI: Central Florida Evangelist Molested Girls.  I won’t get into the specifics, but I will say that if you don’t think that “En Fuego for Jesus” (On Fire for Jesus) is the greatest slogan ever, you need to get out less.

I also like the end of the video when the reporter asks the pastor’s wife what her husband is like and she replies that the reporter wouldn’t understand because he doesn’t have “the discernment from the Lord, and [he] need[s] to get [his] life right.”  In light of the charges facing him, as well as his haircut, I can’t really help but feel that her husband might have been a little low on discernment himself.  The video also features footage from some sort of dubstep concert they put on.  Wait for the beat to drop.

And finally, also cringeworthy: Flesh-Eating Bacteria Consumed Man’s Penis, Says Lawsuit.  I blame poor scheduling, since everyone knows that 2012 is the Year of the Flesh Eating Bacteria according to the Mayan Zodiac.  No word yet on when to expect the Year of Successful Penile Implants.

Let’s get the weekend going!


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