Ok, let’s do it. Let’s get it all out on the table. Let’s talk about the zombie story.
This past weekend, the nation was rocked by a story out of Miami involving a nude, crazed man killed by police after eating another man’s face for breakfast alongside the freeway.
This is one of those stories where I say “please don’t be Florida, please don’t be Florida” in my head as I click the link, all the while knowing that this could only happen here.
Apparently the aggressor (“zombie,” in court parlance), Rudy Eugene, was suffering from “cocaine psychosis” when he attacked 65-year-old Ronald Poppo, devouring most of his face and leaving only his “goatee and little else.” Chilling. After some googling, I found that cocaine psychosis is “a drug-induced craze that bakes the body internally and often leads those it affects to strip naked to try to cool off.” I had always thought that cocaine psychosis is when you won’t shut up at a party because you think that everything you have to say is the most interesting idea in the world. And if the guy at the keg would just shut up and stop talking about the GD Miami Dolphins for a minute, you could tell everyone your awesome idea for condoms made from recycled tires. Then you grind your teeth some more.*
Although details are still murky, the attack was witnessed by a AAA Road Ranger who used the loudspeaker in his truck to tell the naked man to stop eating the other guy, which would have to be the most ridiculous statement to ever come out of a loudspeaker. And yes, I would pay money for the audio recording. When cops arrived, Eugene was still treating Poppo’s face like a chalupa and refused officers’ commands to stop eating the victim. He was then shot several times and killed, thus ending the saddest chapter in American history.
Seeing as how this horrific episode may be America’s first true zombie incident, I would think that Florida is now in first place for the Mayan Doomsday Sweepstakes 2012 (Can you feel the excitement?!?!). And while many residents are choosing to focus on the negative and preparing for the imminent zombie invasion, there is some silver lining in that this absolutely insane act has led to calls for officials to change the state’s slogan from “The Sunshine State” to “First in Fright” (Take that, North Carolina).
*”Cocaine psychosis” is also known as “Drugs Gone Wild Syndrome,” which is the last step before you suffer a Charlie Sheen Embolism.